September 30, 2011
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Found a peanut… underground!
I was just innocently digging in the garden today when I came across this(!)
Probably those same atheist nut cases who spent all that time burying giant fake bones they cast in their garages working with the lights off. Just to prove that the Almighty God needed billions of years to get it right (?) with homo sapiens. Most of us know better, and it won’t work on me, infidels.
Not this time. Like millions of other unashamed Believers, I happen to know that peanuts are created in them there fancy metal boxes with the lighted up buttons. You find lots of ‘em in office hallways. The Mommy and daddy Peanuts feed on the little metal discs we push through the slots, and if we are Kind and Patient, they come out to say a big cheery ‘Hi there!’, dressed in their festive transparent plastic finery. Ok, some of them are created at high altitudes, where passenger jets harvest them to give out as souvenirs to the travelers. But underground? Don’t make me laugh.
There were no tracks or signs as to how the perpetrators might have worked this deception, and the peanuts themselves tasted just perfect. Still. it’s a thoughtless thing to do, to wrench them from their natural, well-oiled dispensing machine, remove their clothing (!), and bury them alive underground. Whoever done this seriously needs to Get Right with God.
Comments (11)
I find peanuts in my garden frequently, even though I have never grown them, and I don’t think they grow here. WHERE DO THE PEANUTS COME FROM?
They’re likely descended from those that escaped Camp David in 1978. Don’t eat ‘em; they’ll make you an egalitarian and you’ll get deported.
@transvestite_rabbit - Wow, ALL-CAPS questions need to be addressed at once, ha. I’ll be (untypically) frank and prosaic: I planted a little nut there six months ago. Thinking that might explain everything. He must’ve missed his friends back there in the Acme coin-op though, and horribly. I’m thinking of taking these guys in the picture to a movie, so they can meet their family.
But now, the real question is your nuts. (sp?) I suspect that birds-of prey, their hands overfull, drop them inadvertently. Even though the fabled Roc bird could carry up to three cases of beer in each talon, I’m told.
Eat one and see what happens. If I don’t hear from you, well… your Xanga will live on and that’s at least something./JS
@HappierHeathen - Too late to look back, bro. I ate enough already to make Rouseau’s tummy hurt. Plus I already deported myself, and from here there’s no way out except by air… and that means more peanuts. Got all the bases covered, buddy
@jsolberg - I guess, given a choice, they would rather drop the peanuts than the beer.
Goobers!
@jsolberg - Sounds like you’ve got it all figgered out! Just be careful, as with prolonged use comes a penchant for disco and Peruvian Marching Powder. And, well, ya know, disco will corrode your soul.
Usually I blame the Israelis but this is clearly the work of the Chinese.
@elgan - Seriously, El, I’m pretty tickled. Feels like a modern-day Miracle, which is what inspired the religous tone here.
@dirtbubble - Close. My first thought when something edible is missing, interestingly, is the Thai imported workers (which we should be proudly doing without, like in the olde days). They sleep in the tree-line behind the garden afternoons, and come down later to ‘hunter-gatherer’ with a hungry vengeance. Nothing is safe: we’ve lost 90% of native fauna is some regions.
Ah, birds!! That explains the peanuts and the sunflowers!! I have so many odd volunteers.