July 27, 2013

  • Sexually Ambigous Shopper logic

         Ok, This Didn’t Happen. Glad I got that off my chest.
    Yes, when pushed into a corner I write fictional accounts of my supposed life. For your amusement, and making sure everything is at least plausible.

    Sooo, I was in one of them-there big stores that’s got everything. Waiting forever at the counter behind a pair of Thai workers. We have maybe a half a million of them in our country of 7 million. They’d only bought 6 bags of rice and a pair of headphones…to listen to while enjoying the nightly meal of rice and native song-bird stew. Or threatened sea-turtle goulash. We’ve lost 90% of our native fauna since they were ‘invited’ to work here.
    Anyway, the Thai language is somewhat familiar by now. Not that I understand more than a word or two, I mean, the sound of it. Almost didn’t pay attention when one said to the other “Kun chun, khun chum, khun cham.” At least that’s what I heard. My buddy just gave me a discreet off-camera hand-motion, running his finger in a circle as if to say ‘Repetitious, ain’t it?’ I quietly agreed.
    Meanwhile, here come, in the next aisle, a pair of gender-neutral(?) fellow humans, Russians, I presume.
    I drew a major blank. I mean, they both reminded me of that ancient SCTV routine where the joke was “Is it Pat or Patty. Or Patsy?” A thoroughly impossible-to-pin-down actor/actress goes on and everybody is trying with exaggerated manners to somehow ascertain his/her gender.
        Anyway, the ‘mystery’ pair had been busily acquiring a half a cart of stuff: work boots fit for Paul Bunion (sp?, unless they don’t fit well), two ‘V’s Secret’ knock-off bras, an inexpensive but powerful-looking cordless impact driver, after-shave and feminine-hygiene products (I typically averted my eyes).. and a pin-up poster of whas-his-name, Bieber?
         But it was while they did the sorting, for separate billing, that the plot thickened.
    Absolutely equal amounts of stereotypically male/female items were laid out on two moving belts. My buddy, again with the hand-sign language, gave me that motion so familiar here in a land of surprises: hand alternately palm-up/palm down, and an eye-roll/head-move skyward. Translation: ‘Still haven’t a clue. You?’

    Punch Line:
    And I thought a second…. about how Thai sounds so redundant to the foreigner, which we’d both just minutes earlier noticed, and then carefully told him, perhaps with a louder than normal volume:
    “They’re ‘BI’, thereby their ‘buy’ makes perfect sense.”
    The Thais only glanced uncomprehending; the Russian ‘whatever’s’ were not moved or offended, and I’d made my point.
    OK, a small one.  Coulda been better if those Ruskies woulda bought, each of ‘em, the Parfum Valu-Pak. Yeah, ‘Brut+ Princess of the Nile’ The display says: ‘Sensible scents for just cents!’
    Or even one or the other ‘Pat’ holding up the ballet-suit he/she just bought, asking
    “Is this impromptu tu-tu too ‘Teutonic’ for my bone structure?”

    ADD: Anyone guess? I’ll be here till the lights go off. My stoopid WP site is Jxsolberg, But don’t go there until you, G-d forbid, have no other choice/ JS

Comments (10)

  • I said email (did you hear he-male and confuse it with she-male and write this post?) but posting Jxsolberg is just as good.

    Personally, I’ve spent the day going back and forth between LJ and WP trying to title my posts the more easy to find them later.  One of my myriad problems (my my my myriad almost rivals impromptu tutu too tutorial but again I flatter myself) is I can’t figure out how to get a page on either LJ or WP that tells me what I’ve just done.  So the only way forward (hah! 1 step forward and 6 steps back, it seems) is to log out all together and then come back and then log in and then maybe get to put a title on another untitled post.

  • Obviously I misremembered Teutonic, but if the tutorial suggestion is of any value to you, you’re welcome.

  • @twoberry - Precisely one of my 100% beefs with WP. I’m continually returning to zero/the desk-top and re-entering hell anew after any reputed change.
    Might work on it some tonight; have to check my diazepam locker.

  • I’m guessing the turks were just translating the Philip-Morris logo from a pack of Marlboros, but there may have been something more sinister to it. Or I’m full of crap.

  • @HappierHeathen - Who asked you for your opinion? Yeah, we all Googled that: they’re speaking ‘Grizzlish’ an endangered language with Indo-Ursus roots. Consisting of only two consonants and two vowels, its vocab is mainly ‘mined’ from cigarette packs stolen from (deceased) campers who once thrived within their range.
    Google suggests: ‘Winston tastes good, like a, {clap-clap} cigarette should” but, depending on inflection, it could also be ‘Lucky Strike-Means Fine Tobacco.’

    OK, my dear Brother-in Arms: sometimes the best reaction to an ill-mannered outburst is a parody. ‘ten-cent bones’, at his age, should be ashamed.

    Speaking of tomatoes: I do remember your lovingly-crafted trial with indoor growing. Do post, for better or worse, on the epilogue.
    I, last night, totally copped your ‘Theme’. On sWord Press-ure. perhaps 2012 will work for me.
    So it goes, as KV warned us.

  • A splendid burst of wordplay as the clock ticks towards 7/31.

  • @jsolberg -  I am SO VERY GLAD that I’d just swallowed what I was drinking before reading. It would otherwise have been a painful and expensive spew event. Bravo! I kinda hate to say it publicly, but I believe the reaction of the instant expert was far more telling than he’d intended it to be.

    The tomatoes and herbs in the light box died a grisly death. Some kind of unwelcome microorganism got in there. First it took out the rosemary, then in order oregano, thyme, and tomatoes. So, after another round or two of disinfection, I’m going to put something else in there. Perhaps a good classical Mormon herb that, like polygamy, modern mainstream Mormons shun.

  • I remember that SNL skit. Alzheimers hasn’t won yet!

  • Hilarious. Such a pleasure to read it. I am looking at each post with a new sense of awe and appreciation since yesterday.

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