September 21, 2012
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Free speech, OK. Just don’t diss The Bird!
Like over a thousand other adherents in over three countries (ok, 4), I am a devout believer in a little-known religion which evolved from S. American animism. Our truth was revealed by the Prophetess Edna, an Andean Albatross who was half bird and half God incarnate. Her Insights were dictated by her brother, since she had a stutter, much like Moses before her. And He in turn also had a disability, a less than world-class wingspan of only 3.06 meters. (19 foot 11 and 13/32 inches, for those of you stuck outside of the metric system, nose frozen to the window-pane)
Be that as it may, we regard their Wisdom as the Holy Truth. ‘The Bird is the Word’ as we chant five times a day. And the day-to-day affairs of the Flock are currently being handled by Edna’s great-great-grandson, Shorty III, The One and Only One-foot Prince, (aka The 12 inch Ruler.) It was in Cuzco, April 8, 1978 that he presided over my own initiation, ‘The Giving of the Bird’, where I received my very own albatross necklace, which I wear around my neck around the clock.
All this is to explain our legitimate outrage these past few weeks, on the heels of an otherwise innocuous study by McGull University biologist Alfred Weiskopf, which mapped a large part of the albatross genome. And though the term ‘junk DNA’ has fallen onto hard times lately, Weiskopf, who’s apparently lost his fix on Polaris, none-the-less insisted in the Journal article on calling our Prophetess’s double helix ‘blase’. We could have overlooked that un-couth snub were it not for the piling-ons of a gang of washed-up Canadian potato-head You-Tubers, who this week uploaded a scurrillous video involving a naked albatross, under the provocative caption:
ANDES ALBATROSS/ S-S-SORTA BLASE DNA? The back-handed insult over Edna’s speech defect, the insinuations, yes, it’s incendiary to say the least. Defenses of Free Speech are a dime-a dozen in the lib-press; to wit Jim Riston’s op-ed in the Times yesterday entitled ‘Don’t like what you see in the mirror? Deal with it, pigeon-breath!” is only one example.
Our people are currently weighing the options, and not ruling out the role of refined hydro-carbons in the defense of The Bird’s Holy Honor. One needs to draw a line somewhere. We have the Bird, they got what, The Canadian Goose. Yeah, deal wid it.
Comments (27)
The 12 inch Ruler….ha. Alfred Whitehead with a name like that he should not pick on anyone else…his is name translates into zit, pimple,blemish.
Notwithstanding the significant theological and socio-political ramifications of this dispute, I find myself distracted mid-post and so I must ask… Do you wear the albatross necklace around your neck or do you wear it around your clock? Or do you perhaps wear a clock around your neck and the necklace around the clock that’s around your neck? Please pardon my confusion.
@seedsower - Exactly, and good eyes, Beth. I wuz falling asleep last night thinking about all my problems, to list ‘em for you (e-mail), when I decided to just make up some problem I don’t have, to take my mind off of it all.
The albatross is the world’s longest wing-span bird; makes a turkey buzzard look like a Piper Cub.
@doahsdeer - Prescient on your part: that debate precisely has divided us believers, in the North Wing vs. the South wing; the great schism of ’42. As a Northie, I keep my clock in the left shirt pocket, ticking near the heart, and the ‘tross around the neck, a reminder of original sin, the eating of un-kosher traif krill during the 6th century El Nino Temptation Age. what unites us all, though, as everybody knows, is that ‘The Bird is the Word, thank Grid.
@doahsdeer - Ha, I did not see the L in clock at first.
@jsolberg - So , you fell asleep thinking of me?
poor albatross =/
Love Peace!
Hate War!
Brrrruuuuughghghghaaaaaaahhhhhhhh
Surfin’ Bird.
Babababa
@seedsower - And yet there it was standing tall (erect you might even say) right in the middle of the word.
Don’t diss the goose, man.
I hope you remembered to tweet this.
This is not much to crow about. Good grebe, it is more than I can swallow. Toucan play at this game. In response to your basic point, is this a palindrome? . . . uh . . . yeah
@doahsdeer - Well , that was my good hard laugh of the day
@seedsower - Absolutely *blushes* lately I analyze every dream for messages from my inna kinna. and your character was so easy to recognize; hardly anyone else is that sweet and supportive…
@mlbncsga - No worry She’s stronger than the detractors who seek to ruffle her feathers. They can sail for hours without even flapping the wings once.
@elgan - Yeah ok, I put that in there for you. Just agitating, for fun and prophet. And it’s ‘Canada Goose’, I know. I have hundreds in my back yard in PA, some year-round.
@chromepoet - Um Papa ooh mau, ma mau, I think but I’d have to check the vinyl in the attic.
@we_deny_everything - It’s what survived of a much longer and potentially killer-esque palindrome… which turned out in the dawn’s early light to be fatally flawed. Add a bit of veiled current events, and a post of sorts is born.
I do like your sample sentences wrendered in the Avian tongue. Send Moa
I predict massive guano-bombing of Canadian embassies throughout the Andean nations as soon as the flocks of true believers are mobilized.
This was disturbing. I am wondering about the albatross. Do you have it in your possession?
@ZSA_MD - Zakiah, it’s simply a story, to help me (and others?) explore the conflict between free speech and civility/respect for one’s fellow human’s beliefs. The Bird is safe. Sticks and stone make dent her bones, but word can never harm her.
@Roadkill_Spatula - Ha. I forget to arrange for your services on our planned massive air-drop in Lima… in case we bean the wrong embassy, and need interpretation/damage control. Called “Innocence Aboard 2012!” we expect to corral all who are without sin, and have them cast stones onto the glass houses below. From 20,000 feet.
And what does a PARROT have to do with all this? Well, PEROT this. I’LL BET ROSS (albatross?) would be offended at all the SHORTY jokes, especially as no stutterer has ever been elected president (except for maybe dubya, who reminded me of an albatross in many ways).
All this stuttering makes me want to see “The King’s Speech” again.
LOL…loved this whole stream.
@twoberry - Thank the Bird for Wiki; I now know more about King George than I’d thought possible. And I myself have an ‘Aaron’ spokesperson, for when a recalcitrant customer needs to hear the gospel clearly and colourfully.
I *can* imagine a future pres debate, with a speech-challenged candidate retorting: ‘W-well.. that’s e-e-easy f-fer *y-y-you* to s-say!”
@SomeDeepStuff - So glad you liked it, it’s obviously a parable, a cautionary tale
Very convoluted. Helical in fact! Thanks.(Hellical?)
@gnostic1 - Yeah, it’s a single-helix. That’s what we adherents are stuck with, on a 1% tithe.
(Just realized how much I write for your discerning eye and wit. Posted a book-review ten minutes ago with your name written all over it. Kinda. Stylistically.