August 31, 2012
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RE: PUSSY AS BATHTUB TSUNAMI?
Well, I probably shouldn’t have taught my cat to swim. At least not in the big old claw-foot tub. She looks at those cast-iron legs and who knows, goes all primal inside.
But actually she was doing pretty good. Back float, doggie-paddle, the standard beginner’s routines.
It’s just that when she gets soap in her eyes she goes nuts. Goes all ‘earth-moving mode’ on me. You’ve probably seen something like it, when a cat is digging. All four paws flailing, chucking ground in reverse. But in the tub this trick just makes waves. Awful waves, scary even. Tidal waves. And then I get soap in my eyes. What to do?
As usual I lift mine eyes unto the Net, from whence cometh my help. Specifically, the forums on ‘Help 4 Tabby’ (h-tab.com) Moderated by the ever-supportive ‘Yugoguy‘, whoever he is in real life.
I posted my question discretely, hoping to downplay the mental health issue in all of this. Just asked whether he’d heard of cats making tidal waves in bathtubs, and what to mebbe do about it.
The Reply, titled as is this post, was a breath of calm over troubled waters. The Vet actually congratulated me on my achievement(!) “Super, just super.” he wrote. “That’s not something just anybody could…(or would) do, but all I can say is ‘You go, guy! Naturally the problem you seem to be having is not one we see here daily, and yes, frankly, one or more loose screws in the cranium may need a bit of attention, but overall, I do thank you for your query. Try to see the tub as half-empty instead of half full (or more). Perhaps this will help. As always, Yugoguy.”So there you have it. I wrote my new mantra on the mirror in the bath, just so I don’t ever forget:
IMA NUTS, BUT H-TAB SAYS ‘SUPER!’
Wu: ‘One or more loose screws’? He’s a half a box too kind.
Me: ‘More‘ could include ‘all of them’. I know?
Wu: Meanwhile, serious Xangans are posting on the elections, life on Mars, the disease called ‘Iran’, uploading pictures of homecomings, smiling kids from sea to shining sea, and you’re drowning cats?
Me: No, Wu, I’m teaching ‘em valuable skills which could save their 9 lives some day. Plus the bath-tub’s full around the clock these days, ready for the War with Achmi-blow-job, however long it lasts, depending on who’s elected in the States, plus-minus help from Martians, should they exist, or Beth’s army of Precious-Ones. So I’m very much on-topic, smarty-pants.
Wu: Hold still, JS, while I try this screwdriver. And check the spelling of ‘NUTS’ while you’re at it.
Comments (27)
Apparently, your cat needs a pair (two pair?) of swimmies. I googled the idea and no one seems to sell swimmies suitable for cats. And thus new business ventures are born.
Just to be clear, you were in the tub with kitty while she was scratching and clawing? That’s taking your valuables in your own hands I believe.
Ha, I’ll have to Google “Svimmies, vos is dos?” Guess they call that a meta-search. I’m trying to recovwer from discovering the flaw in the spelling only *after* I’d written and formatted the post. Oh well, the thought was worthy.
@blonde_apocalypse - To be even more clear, I was half asleep, yes, with kitten, when the word ‘tsunami’ washed over my REM inner kid. But you are correct, nuts do come into play. Thanks for reading this tinsel, I appreciate it, dear. Keeps my mind off of my IRS arrears of 17 years.
@jsolberg - Avoiding thoughts of the IRS, probably best to avoid my page altogether. Alas, I spend much of my existence contemplating the IRS and other similar evils.
@blonde_apocalypse - Ja, I endured one audit a long time ago. In principle of course it’s hard to argue against citizens chipping in together for public service best bought in bulk. It’s in the execution that trust flies out the window. I had the same impression that you had. Poster-child Extortion, ‘just becuz we can.’ And not even much of an attempt to hide the sad fact. To think I got an ‘A’ in Civics class.
The mental image of you in the bathtub with a pussy, er, I mean kitty, is very entertaining, just as long as it doesn’t get too graphic.
Your cat can “doggie paddle”!? Terrific! A rare accomplishment for a cat!
As usual, a lot of buildup before we get to the payoff, which is foreshadowed in the title. I should take up literary criticism. Your posts would be a great dissertation topic.
Too bad about “stunami”. So close…
Yugoguy sounds like he was the poster child for the failed introduction of East European vehicles into the US market. Maybe kitty-whispering is his second career.
Is the cat calm now? Remember, they are masters of nurturing a grudge. A month from now you will find pee in your shoe.
@elgan - I had thought of turning into a cartoon ‘graven image’, but my past failures depicting water, cats, and nudes informed me otherwise.
@DEISENBERG - Only fair, since dogs can cat-nap.
@Roadkill_Spatula - Yeah, there’s a limit to my weaseling out of tight spaces; claiming to be both NUST and dyslexic. I realized the error only while typing the last line. Like Achilles with a damn arrow stuck in his shoe.
Yogoguy is know for lauding on-line folks with problems, sometimes even dual problems.
@we_deny_everything - No, her only gripe was ‘No warning sign on the slick up-slope at the far end of the tub.’ That was the cause of her panic attacks. She did hint at one point ‘Remember the headphone incident, guy.’
Laud and dual are a good pair. Problems and smelborp don’t pair up so tidily, though.
@Roadkill_Spatula - Ah but ‘smelborp’ is one of the most commonly reported feline problems on that help site, which is why I’d thought my experience might be a universal contribution to cat hygiene.
=)
This post made me laugh out loud
=)
Teaching a cat to swim?
That must have been an….erm,interesting first lesson !!!!
And you are taking a risk, getting in a tub with a kitty ! I’ve bathed my cat plenty of times…I KNOW.
Ana
PS There is’t cat scratch insurance, is there?
Ana
Bada Bing! bada boom!! A Palindrome as a punch line, only you could pull that off.
You are so clever! I don’t think I even understand the extent of your cleverness sometimes – good thing your other commenters do! You should be fully appreciated!!
@Want2FitIn2Fat2Fit - Well, we have almost free universal health care here, but I try not to abuse it. I’d wait till it got infected, ha.
Nice of you to sub; look at past posts with my blessing/ JS
@MelFamy - I *thought* I pulled it off… till I saw the flaw in the ointment. Turns out ya cain’t have it both ways: Either IMA NUST but it was a TSUNAMI, or, more likely, it was just a STUNAMI… and then IMA NUTS.
@miss_order - I may differ with ‘clever’. probably more like ‘finding an excuse not to discuss war and taxes, or to teach my cats about the birds and the bees.
After reading this delightful piece I had a vision of a a group of cats playing water-polo. It made me smile.
Given that you played jazz back in the day I think it’s reasonable to say there were two cats in that tub daddy-o.
@jsolberg -
Ok will do !
=)
Take care of your kitty ! And have a good day!
Teaching a cat to swim is akin to teaching a pig to sing, in my view. Is my cat paranoid, or does he just hate to be annoid? Parakeet, shmarakeet. Catenoid, I’m bats-annoyed. Wish I could do something with DEY ON NA STAB MID ION ETAC.
@twoberry - I already mentioned you in my next (yet un-posted) post. You and I look at letters in a fashion dissimilar to the general rule. And it’s a good thing; *somebody* has to do it.
That last phrase of yours has a nice ring, could easily be from what English will become in 100 years.
Remember back here they say Nutzed! My dog does not like to go near the tub, that means a bath!